I thought I had found the perfect job for me. It was at a company that makes biotech software – stuff like protein modelling software and drug discovery software. This was the perfect fusion of my science education and my software QA career.
I sent my resume in and received a call back in record time. I spoke with the company’s QA Manager on the phone for 45 minutes. He just seemed to be really nice, knowledgeable, friendly, and like he and I would get along great. He seemed to think the same of me, so the next step was an in-person interview with several folks at the company.
I was really starting to get excited. The bus basically stops in front of my house and in front of their office. They are located downtown about 5 blocks from Hubby.
The in-person interview also went very well. I met with the entire QA Department. They all seemed like mellow and intelligent people.
I met with one of the co-founders who worried me a little. He reminded me of the president of the last company I worked at. That is right, the guy who fired me. They both went to the same college as Hubby and me, they both have terrible social skills, they both have “couldn’t even bear to look someone in the eye” type nervousness, and they both were completely physically shifty (you know squirmy), weird and uncomfortable during the interview. This worried me a little, but I wouldn’t have much interaction with this person, so I decided to write it off.
The last person I talked to, a VP and one of the first employees in the company, was the most strange part of the interview. This was a very dynamic person. I was excited about that. She started out by telling me she is very frank and that everyone was excited about me, but she was concerned about the number of years since I’d graduated from college and my science background, or lack thereof, since then. I was excited about her frankness and honesty. I get along very well with people who are up-front like this. I told her that I’d certainly have to take some biochem refresher courses, but that I was looking forward to that. I miss science a little bit, and if I can fuse my software knowledge and my science interest – that is what I want to do for a living. This is the total truth. This was the first time I’d felt excited about a job since I left Gecko Lofts (name cleverly changed so those of you who know me know what job I mean), a small start-up that unfortunately didn’t make it.
With that concern out of the way, she moved on to something odd. She told me that the Human Resources department of their company is an embarrassment to her. She told me that they ask references very strange questions like “Is Albert a Superstar?” She told me they record the conversations and transcribe them, then highlight any red flags or strange answers and pass those on to the department you are applying to work in. She told me they would kill her if they found out she told me this, but that they lose so many candidates in this ridiculous part of the process that she wanted me to know. She suggested I let my references know about this. She also told me the company would require my college transcripts (ok – reasonable enough since that demonstrates a good portion of my science knowledge) and my SAT scores (totally ridiculous, since I took that test over 20 years ago and it does not represent anything about how I operate in the business world – but whatever, I can provide that.) Then, now this gets very weird, she tells me that the HR department doesn’t actually require proof of these things, you can just tell them, so if I don’t remember my SAT scores, I could just make them up! Then she said something like, “but you know, whatever your integrity allows you to do. Just thought I’d let you know.”
Huh. Well, I decided that I was still excited about the position. She just told me that because they really wanted me to work with them. I certainly wouldn’t lie about my SAT scores, but I always do let my references know they may be receiving a call about me anyway, so I’d warn them this company was a bit weird.
I contacted my references and told them that I was totally psyched about this job, that they may be hearing from them soon and that I was warned the HR folks ask some unconventional questions like “Is Joey a Superstar?” They all pretty much laughed and said they were very much looking forward to a call like that! I did NOT tell them they’d be (illegally?) recorded. I did NOT tell them how to answer any questions. I did NOT tell them anything else.
Well, sure enough the HR folks let me know that I was moving to the next stage. They requested 5 references, all people who were my managers, (geez…I’m not that old and I haven’t had that many jobs, but I managed to scrounge up what I could) my GPA and my SAT scores, and the salaries of my last three jobs. I ordered my SAT scores to be rush delivered for $56 (I still haven’t received them) and sent the HR person all the other info.
A day later, I heard from my first and best reference. She is my best reference because she managed me at two different places, so she is living proof of the “Would you work with “uninspired” again?” question. She was all excited, and sure enough, they asked the superstar question.
The day after that the socially inept co-founder called me. He was very uncomfortable and there were lots of long silences while he spoke. It went like this:
“Ummmm…I’ve been informed that there is a problem with one of your references…
After hanging up and thinking on it, I decided this was a big red flag to me. So many businesses these days are arrogant and stupid and rude. (I really do think this is getting worse and worse as workers get more desperate for jobs and as America moves from democracy to what I call “corporatocracy.”) The business is being interviewed just as much as it is interviewing you. In an interviewing and hiring process, a business needs to be honest and on its best behavior. It needs to demonstrate to me that it will be an employer who is stable, trustworthy, together (meaning the Dev Dept. doesn’t tell you it is embarrassed by the HR dept.), and essentially SANE. Despite almost everything in my interview process up to this point being great, this red flag was just too big of a bull-taunting giant red cloth covered in stop signs and exclamation points.
On top of that I was angry. I felt there was an insinuation that I was dishonest and had told my references what to say about me. Also, they acted like I had somehow broken a code where you aren’t supposed to communicate with your references at all. If this is how they treat people in an interview, when they are trying to get you to work for them, how in the world do they treat you once you are their employee?
That is when I composed the nicest “Fuck You” letter ever written. I sent it to the really nice QA Manager who I still hold in high regard, the VP who screwed me over with her frank advice, and to the parnoid and repellent HR department. Here it is:
“Despite everyone’s good intentions, it looks like my working for this company wasn’t meant to be. I’m sure you’ve been informed that my references have been called into question and that I’ve been asked to provide 5 more.
The reference in question, was upset when she heard about this. She wrote to me that she was not coached in her answers, and her answers would have been exactly the same had I not spoken to her about the position, the company, and that I had heard that they ask references unconventional questions. I’m sure everyone knows that a person applying for a job communicates with their references. My reference offered to speak to the personnel folks and help rectify this situation.
However, I have decided that even though working with your company would be a wonderful opportunity for me, and I was genuinely excited about the company, the products, and the people – this is just the worst way to start a new job and new relationships. I would hate to work in a place that felt I had “cheated” to get the position and where I would start out with a reputation of poor integrity.
I thank you very much for the opportunity. I honestly did enjoy meeting your group, and I really am glad to see a company with biotech interests in this city. Perhaps we can work together in the future under better circumstances.”
If you read between the lines, you can see a very light shimmering line of text. You can barely make it out, but it is there. Look closely and squint your eyes slightly, you’ll see that it says: Fuck you. Fuck you very much.