I mentioned a quote in my first Hired and Unispired post, “The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. (Unknown).”
Daytime TV wins hands-down over work. Every time.
Frankly, folks, daytime TV isn’t nearly as bad as work. Here is my uninspired daytime TV schedule.
One thing to note: this schedule is designed for multi-tasking. There is nothing on this list that you have to pay close attention to so you can, read, iron, do laundry, play with cats, make bed, bake a cake, post to your blog, basically have a productive day and still watch TV. In fact, if you are lucky enough to be able to work from home, this makes for great background noise. You can also use this schedule on sick days, as it is great for drifting in and out of consciousness.
7:00-9:00 AM Good Day Oregon. They repeat the news headlines every 12 minutes, so you can shower, dry your hair, make coffee, eat breakfast and not miss anything – but still be up to date on traffic, weather, and the biggest local and world headlines.
9-10 AM More Good Day Oregon. Settle in and read the paper, dust, vacuum. Personally, this is when I do my email stuff. The “It Moms” crack me up. I loved the one where they went to pick up the pizza for the family – left the dads and kids at home – and went wine tasting instead.
10-11 AM: The View. The best thing about watching this show was watching to see what horribly apalling thing Star would say next. Honestly, I think she meant well, but sometimes the utter self-centeredness of her comments was rivetting. I loved it when she thanked all of us for praying to God to get her through her boob surgery. Hundreds of folks in India are dead from various natural disasters, the Israelis and Palestinians are killing each other, American military folks die every day in Iraq, the Africans are dying of a huge AIDS epidemic (not to mention disease all over the world), people in our own country are working full-time minimum wage jobs and still homeless, but be sure to pray to God that Star survives her boob surgery. (Do you think God just gets really pissed off at these kinds of requests and goes off on a rampage “What do they think I do up here all day? You think making the world and then maintaining it is easy? You think I have time to take care of every piddling little task you delegate to me? You think just because I’m God I don’t need a day off? Well, the joke is on you, stupid humans. Bam! Star is off the show. Bam! Tom Cruise is a Christian Scientist. Bam! George Bush is President. Let’s just hope God doesn’t go old-school on us and do a big flood, earthquake, or fire…uh….wait a minute…) Currently, there is the unspoken drama of Star being dismissed (I’m not the only one who got fired for having a big mouth this year). Who will be guest-host today? Who will be the next permanent co-host? If you have no gossip in your life – this show fills that void nicely – and apparently also gets you thinking about God.
11-12 AM: Martha Stewart. Now, this show is a little boring to me. The best part of it is when a great guest is on. Mo’Nique was on once, and it was hilarious!! Mo’Nique kept joking about sneaking Martha’s silverware into her purse. It was great. Martha wasn’t so stiff and genuinely laughed a lot. Somehow, that show got me motivated to dye Easter Eggs. I don’t even celebrate Easter…
12-1 This time slot is a little iffy. You can tune into local news while making lunch. You never know, that search for the guy who held up the Plaid-Pantry in the southeast section of town might have progressed some since 9 AM. This is a good time of day to take a nap. Also, I recommend owning DVDs of a beloved TV series such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer or X-Files. You can always pop one of those in and have a little alone time with Spike or Mulder. Perry Mason has been on at 1:00 for years, and years, and years. If you haven’t watched it a lot, I highly recommend it. Hubby and his college room-mates had a whole manifesto built around Paul Drake. The problem is, I’m Perry Mason’d out, so I had to find something else for awhile.
2 pm – Passions is on. The reason we started watching Passions is because Spike, a character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, watches Passions. Yes!!! I watch a TV show because a character on a TV show watches that TV show!!!!!! The thing about Passions is it is this supernatural soap-opera that is just brilliant. Devious mermaids who skip taking their birth-control pills? Dead witches, resurrected and jealously poisoning the President of the Hospital who is having an affair with a werewolf. Folks…it cannot get better than this! Spike is a vampire, so of course this is his soap opera of choice. I never knew that soap operas could get all occulty until I learned about Dark Shadows (another great series to rent) and Passions.
3 pm – All My Children – I started watching this with my Basque baby-sitter (Mrs. Achura, who I will always love dearly, even though I only knew her for a few early years of my life) when I was 5. I remember Erica Kane from 1975. I think she was in jail around that time. I think someone tried to poison gas her or something too. Anyway, over the years my friends and I grew to love Erica, Palmer, Nina, Dixie, Tad, Pheobe, and the whole lot. I was pre-teen when the whole Tad, Liza, Jenny thing happened. It was tragic!!! Now Liza is a good-girl, and Hubby thinks she is hot. A lot of these folks are still on. In fact, Dixie is back (Hubby also thinks Dixie is hot). Erica is as wonderfully devious, smart, wealthy, beautiful, and fashionable as ever. I haven’t turned out like her, as I had hoped, but still – it is fun to dream.
4 pm – DUH! Oprah is on. Right now, as I write this, I’m learning how to go on a debt diet.
5 PM – Family starts coming home around 5, so I consider Daytime TV officially over.
There you have it. Way better than trying to get along with a bunch of competitive co-workers, having a boss ‘delegate’ a bunch of work to you while she takes the day off, working your ass off to hit impossible deadlines, etc. Plus, what day at work has ever led me to learn where all the traffic jams are, when I need a boob job, how to bake the perfect labor day cake, how to kill a werewolf but save the human baby she is bearing, manipulate my husband through my birth control pills, manage my money, and still, shower, play with the cats, take a nap, do a little yoga, read email, paint the hallway, and get this blog posted?