A Newbie’s Report – the personal version – part 2

Here are the things that I left out of the article I wrote for my company’s newsletter. I left them out because I was trying to be professional…

Let’s face it – there is a lot of porn on TV. Of course, that meant that a lot of porn channels like Hustler and Playboy and Wicked were represented at the cable TV exposition. All these channels had “models” and “actresses” autographing photos. Miss August 2004 was at the Playboy TV booth one day, so I swung by the booth to get Hubby a signed photo. (Best wife ever!!!) Her name was Pilar, and she was very nice. She addressed the photo to Hubby and signed it with an XXXOOO. A week later, Hubby is still walking around the house with her photo clutched to his chest. I hear him wistfully sighing, “Oh, Pilar…” (Did I mention – best wife ever?!?!)

One of the evenings I went to dinner and drinks with a group of my co-workers (a few of them fairly high-up and influential people or as G’pa would say “big-cheeses”). I was once again the only female in the group, which became highlighted right away when ordering cocktails. (I’ve always worked in highly technical industries that seem to be inhabited mainly by males.) Everyone started out drinking barrel aged Jack Daniels. I’m not a huge Jack Daniels fan (one of my many rebellions against Dad) so I went for (that’s right, you guessed it!) a Gibson martini with Bombay Sapphire gin. We were at a very nice, expensive, fancy steakhouse on the strip in Las Vegas and the martini was excellent. It was also huge. The glass was big and had major heft and this was not a one shot martini. Definitely 2 or maybe even more… So, I had two martinis (hey the “big-cheeses” were buying).

I’ve also changed my diet recently. I did this because I kept falling asleep all the time (oh yeah, and ’cause I’m also fat and have high cholesterol, but technically I’m blaming those things on genetics and am still in full denial that I can do anything about them), so I haven’t had much alcohol, sugar, or red meat lately. The smallest steak at this place was a 10 oz. filet mignon. I got that – simply grilled (instead of heaped with blue cheese which was my other option – I figured by not getting the cheese I was still “on diet.”) This was one of those places where you get just the steak for like $40 and then you can order separate side dishes at $12 a pop if you want something other than meat. The guys all wanted side dishes so they got creamed spinach, macaroni and cheese and asparagus. Well, needless to say, I indulged perhaps a bit too much.

Slightly tipsy, I followed the group back to MGM where they were all staying. Oh, I forgot an important detail. Mom was back in town and we were sharing her car. I met her for lunch that day and she dropped me off at the conference. We were going to meet for dinner, but when I was invited out with some of the “big cheeses” I called her and told her I’d take a cab home. She told me that she’s usually up until 11:00 so to call her and she’d come pick me up. My colleagues were concerned about my transportation and I told them that up until 11:00 my Mom would come and get me. This started a line of ridicule that continued throughout the evening, “When’s your curfew again?” and “What time is Mommy gonna’ be here?” and crap like that.

Anyway we get back to the MGM and I remember there is a bar there that has these really good bellinis (champagne and fruit juice) and the bartenders dance on the bar periodically. I suggest we go there. They agree. I drink my bellini and listen to them gossip about other “big cheeses.” Highly enlightening. (And men may seem stoic and quiet, but boy they can gossip better than any group of chicks I know…and biiiitchy….whoaboy…quite entertaining.) So, here is something else I forgot. When I drink champagne I should only drink champagne. Champagne and hard liquor or wine or beer – it just is kind of like when you are a kid and you make that model volcano for your science class – and you learn about mixing vinegar and baking soda… Anyhoo, the bar we are at is called The Centrifuge, but somehow I don’t remember it actually spinning like a centrifuge when I was there before. Hmmm… must be a newly added feature.

The guys decide they are going to go gamble. I’ve lost enough money playing bingo at the old folks home all week so I say my goodbyes. I call Mom and she picks me up. The other thing I should mention, is I tend to get car sick even when I’m stone cold sober and haven’t eaten for a week – let alone my current condition, stuffed full of steak, mac&cheese, creamed spinach, asparagus, gin, and champagne. I’m also sort of a “professional barfer.” Meaning – I’ve thrown up in a lot of different places all over the country, so often that as a kid I could actually control it enough to turn it into a stream that would hit the bathtub from the doorway to the bathroom without getting any on the floor. Anyhoo…I think you see where I’m headed with this story…

My poor Mom had had a really bad day at work. As she is telling me this, my evening erupted all over her car (and a little bit on her). I guess those ads really are right – what happens in Vegas (ie: my dinner) really does stay in Vegas! Her only comment to me was, “Did you have asparagus for dinner?”

Well, Mom’s been barfed on a lot, especially close to curfew when asked to come pick me up from a party, so it was sort of a nice little sentimental flash back for all of us. I’m a good daughter and fully detailed her car, so it smells just fine and is shiny and clean. I’m just really glad my colleagues weren’t there to see it!

And that ends my tale of the Uninspired one year anniversary job-related trade-show experience. As you can see, some things change constantly (your job) – and some things never change (once you have kids they’ll never stop barfing on you – even when they are 37 years old). It is all good.

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